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More Light Bulbs

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished '';

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally "in the dark" the whole time;

8. One to viciously smear No. 7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Hot Air Balloon: Engineer/Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"Well, as a matter of fact I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!

Make me.

Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Siberian Husky:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark....

Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover....

I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

It isn't moving. Who cares?

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

German Shepherd:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

Bassett Hound:

Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

Our Privacy Policy

 Dear Valued Customer:

We here at the Internet Inc. would like to welcome you to our new company. We know that you may have felt apprehensive to learn that your Internet provider, credit card company, bank, 17 favorite web sites, and nearest Chinese take-out restaurant have all recently merged into one corporate entity. But there is no need to worry. The dossier of personal information we have collected about you is safe in our hands. You can trust us.

What follows is our new and updated privacy statement. Please sign it and return it to our office as soon as possible. While this document may be confusing at times, the cornerstone of our privacy policy is this: under no circumstances will we ever release any of your personal information to a third party, unless we can make good money doing so. That's our promise, and we're sticking to it.

The Internet Inc. assures you that we will never read any of your e-mail unless our employees happen to think it looks interesting.

We may occasionally place cookies on your hard drive in order to make your shopping experiences more enjoyable. Think of these as simple gifts of our love to you. In addition to enhancing your shopping, these cookies also allow us to know exactly where you go online. This is an unfortunate side effect, which we deeply regret.

If, in the future, we come up with a more advanced way of tracking your surfing habits, we promise to give it an equally frivolous name so that it sounds perfectly harmless.

We reserve the right to call you with special offers on stuff you couldn't possibly want at 9:30 a.m. on your day off. If, in your sleep-induced state, you accidentally join our Lawn Care Super-Saver Club for the low annual fee of $79.95 billed conveniently to your credit card -- even though you do not actually have a lawn -- we will unfortunately have to hold you to that binding contract.

Your credit card number is very important to us. Under no circumstances will we divulge it to any third party. That would mean letting someone else cut in on our action. We will not do that.

We are aware that you probably don't feel like reading all of this before signing it, and we want you to know that that's okay. Don't worry. There isn't anything really important in here anyway. Just sign it, and everything will be fine.

Members of our technical staff may sometimes study the information in our databases and phone certain customers asking for a date. We are sincerely sorry about this, but these are lonely computer geeks. What do you expect?

We promise that the tiny people that we sent to live inside your computer are not spying on you.

We reserve the right to sell any personal information we might have about you to other parties. However, if your surfing habits are so dull that nobody wants to buy your personal information, we will unfortunately be obligated to charge you a nominal service fee to recoup our losses. This fee can easily be charged to your credit card, whose number we already have.

We also reserve the right to define "nominal" in any way we please.

Finally, we here at the Internet Inc. understand that your privacy is very important to you. We fully respect that privacy, and we promise that we're not just saying that like all those other Internet companies you've been with.

How Many Mediators Does It Take to
Change a Lightbulb?

First of all, let's be clear that it isn't the mediator's function to change the lightbulb.

The mediator will explore with the lightbulb how it feels about the on and off nature of its job, its unhappiness at always having to work nights, and its relationships with the other parties, including the new lightbulbs that it feels are a threat to its position.

The mediator will talk to the new lightbulbs, reframing and normalizing their observation that the principal lightbulb is completely out of its box, and identifying that their real issue is that being picked on one at a time constantly undermines their team spirit.

The darkness seems quite hostile to all the lightbulbs and keeps telling them to go and unscrew themselves. The mediator will allow it to vent its anger and express its distress at how it always feels unwanted.

The mediator will help guide the darkness and the lightbulbs, both new and mature, to a solution reflecting their new understanding of each other's preference for illumination or to be left in the dark. 

Source: LawZONE; Date: 19 Jul 2001

The Light Bulb Joke Hits E-Mail

Q: How many Internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Exactly Five Hundred:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

4 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers.

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb. 

Make the Pie Higher
by George W. Bush

[The following is a poem made up entirely of actual quotes from George W. The quotes have been arranged for aesthetic reasons only by Washington Post writer Richard Thompson.]

I think we all agree, the past is over.

This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked, Is our children learning? Will the highways of the internet become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me. I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!

Knock down the tollbooth!

Vulcanize Society!

Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

Signs You Live in the 21st Century

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of 3.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a Web site address at the bottom of the screen.

10. You buy a computer, and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic, and you turn around to go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider 2nd-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multicolored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get an awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse: you're going to forward it to someone else.

An Easy Guide to Political Ideologies Using Two Cows

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. The government turns your cows into thousands of pairs of shoes.

TIN POT DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you, and sends the cows to Zurich.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate." The cows sue you for breach of contract.

BUSH DEMOCRACY: The son of the last Republican President promises to protect you and your two cows under an impenetrable "missile shield" if you vote for him. You vote for his rival, but he still gets in. The economy grinds to a halt, your pastures are turned over to oil exploration companies, and both of your cows, formerly valued at millions on the NASDAQ, are sold by your investors to recoup their tech stock losses. The Military-Industrial Complex still receives billions in corporate welfare to develop cow-based defenses ("fetchez la vache") that don't work but antagonize your neighbors.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains, and they go mad. The government does not do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

APPLIED CAPITALISM: You ship both of your cows to the developing world and pay peanuts to have them milked there by children. You then ship the milk back to your own country and pay expensive PR companies millions to create a happy smiley image for your McCorporation and do very, very well.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You have "got" to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

Computer Gender

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He explained that hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."

One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What 'gender' is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.

Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Dream Fulfilled
Courtesy of Judge Alex Kozinski

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Let There Be Lawyers

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
-- comic John Wing

Hot Air Balloon: Lawyer/Client

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be a lawyer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "I assume that everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The lawyer responds, "You must be a client."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," replies the lawyer, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

How Many Feet Do Mice Have?

Original Version: Mice have four feet.

Editor 1 comment: Elaborate.
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.

Editor 2 comment: No discussion of fifth appendage.
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.

Editor 3 comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.

Editor 4 comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.

Editor 5 comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.

Editor 6 comment: Descriptive but not decisive.
Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be: FOUR LEG-FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.

Editor 7 comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativity.
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in nature.

Editor 8 comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.

Final Revision: Mice have four feet.

Editor 9 comment: Approved.

Legislative Humor

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Holmes, Watson and the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied. "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Why Did the Iraqi Chicken Cross the Road?

The fact that the chicken crossed the road shows that decision making authority has switched to the chicken. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing, and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost $326,004.

The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly, and plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

The chicken had no right to cross the road as it did not have the correct identification. Thus, the chicken was searched and detained. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken.

The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Chicken he corss street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

The Chicken is dead.

This chicken is now free. So it can cross any road it wants to.

The President has repeatedly stated the chicken is free to cross the road. No useful purpose is served by asked what happened as it crossed the road.

OK, the chicken was run over as it crossed the road. But our boys in their hummers have to let off steam once in a while. It's just a prank.

Everyday, somewhere around the world, thousands of chickens are run over by vehicles made in the USA.

Well it's good I suppose. Now we have chickens and roads again. But why is Paul Bremer the only one not dining on roadkill every night?

Let's define our terms and your assumptions. Are you asking me why a domestic Iraqi barnyard fowl ventured wholly, i.e., entirely and in one direction, across an established route used with some frequency by motorized vehicles which are at potential cross-purposes with the fowl in that the movement of their superior mass along the route will be at a perpendicular to the path of the fowl, with obvious ill consequences to the fowl should the parties simultaneously occupy the point of their paths' intersection? If this is what you are asking, your clear implication is that the heavy vehicles of the coalition forces put "the Iraqi chicken" at risk, and you equally as clearly are posing the question as a rank metaphor. Frankly, such a fowl, be it Iraqi or French, is out of its time and out of its place and must be expected to fall by the wayside. If survival were its object, would it make such a decision, venturing into the path of such overwhelming force on a collision vector? Ask the chicken why, if she survived. Otherwise, does the why matter, when the result is so final?

Is that the chicken that was yellin that the sky was fallin?

The Iraqi Chicken: On the Record and Off the Grill.
Let it be known. The list of responses to the Iraqi Chicken conundrum came from a single source. That clever author is Joshua Paul from the great country of England currently working at the American Embassy in Baghdad.

From the SoulPacific Web site: www.soulpacific.com/archives/cunning_linguists/000596.htm

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Because the chicken was gay

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American

Did the chicken cross the road? 
Did he cross it with a toad? 
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, 
I've not been told!

To die. In the rain.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

It was a historical inevitability.

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, so we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

What chicken?

I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the  American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he  cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you please define "chicken"?

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black
man in order to trample him and keep him down.

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

I missed one?

Performance Evaluations

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to  achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

Actual Lines from Military Performance Appraisals

1. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

2. "A room temperature IQ."

3. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

4. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

5. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

6. "Bright as Alaska in December."

7. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

8. "He's so dense, light bends around him."

9. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

10. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

11. "Takes him more than one hour to watch 60 Minutes."

12. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Virus Alert - The "Work" Virus

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via e-mail, the Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months, and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via e-mail or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap ... I'm off to the bar." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three tall beers. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

If Airlines Were Run by High-Tech Companies

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing nonstop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on.

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up or they'll book you on Microsoft Airways.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth takeoff. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT AirJ
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

How to Get Insanely Rich on the Internet
I strongly recommend Linda Cox's How to Get Insanely Rich on the Internet, which holds well-researched answers to frequently-asked questions about marketing and business on the Web, at http://www.lindacox.com/a-faq.htm. But seriously, folks, her tips on Internet marketing, at http://www.lindacox.com/a-myths.htm, are worth reading.

"Smiley" Definitions

Many sophisticated people, new to the Internet, are confused by the use of punctuation to indicate emotion, such as : > or : ( . These "smileys," or emoticons, are read sideways and are intended to indicate emotion. Smileys are either clever innovations in modern communication or annoying, juvenile interference in the written word, depending on your mood and personality.

Either way, here's what they mean:

Basic Smileys

:-) Your basic smiley. This smiley is used to indicate a humorous statement, since we can't hear voice inflection over e-mail.

;-) Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark and is asking you, "Don't hit me for what I just said."

:-( Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something.

:-I Indifferent smiley. Better than a :-( but not quite as good as a :-).

:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a ;-).

:-> User just made a really devilish remark.

;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.

:-D User is laughing.

:-X User's lips are sealed.

:-C User is really bummed.

:-/ User is skeptical.

Creative Smileys

If the people who thought up the smileys below would devote half as much energy to finding the cure for the common cold, no one would ever sneeze again:

%-) User has been staring at a computer screen for 15 hours straight.

:*) User is drunk.

[:] User is a robot.

8-) User is wearing sunglasses.

B:-) Sunglasses are on user's head.

::-) User wears normal glasses.

B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses.

8:-) User has curly hair.

:-)-8 User is a girl with a big chest.

:-{) User has a mustache.

:-{ 2 User wears lipstick.

{:-) User wears a toupee.

}:-( Toupee is in an updraft.

:-[ User is a vampire.

:-E User is a buck-toothed vampire.

:-F User is a bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing.

:-7 User just made a wry statement.

:-* User just ate something sour.

:-)~ User drools.

:-~) User has a cold.

:'-( User is crying.

:'-) User is crying from joy.

:-@ User is screaming.

:-# User wears braces.

:^) User has a broken nose.

:v) User has a broken nose, but it's broken the other way.

:_) User's nose is sliding off of his face.

:<) User is from a snobby Ivy League school.

:-& User is tongue-tied.

=:-) User is a hosehead.

-:-) User is a punk rocker.

-:-( Real punk rockers don't smile.

:=) User has two noses.

+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office.

`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning.

,:-) Same thing...other eyebrow.

|-I User is asleep.

|-O User is yawning or snoring.

:-Q User is a smoker.

:-? User smokes a pipe.

O-) User is a scuba diver.

O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least).

:-` User is spitting out his chewing tobacco.

:-S User just made an incoherent statement.

<|-) User is Chinese.

<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes.

C=:-) User is a chef.

@= User is pro-nuclear war.

*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus hat.

:-o Uh oh!

(8-o It's Mr. Bill!

*:o) And Bozo the Clown!

3:] Pet smiley.

3:[ Mean Pet smiley.

d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.

E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator.

:-9 User is licking his/her lips.

%-6 User is brain dead.

[:-) User is wearing a walkman.

(:I User is an egghead.

<:-I User is a dunce.

K : P User is a kid wearing a propeller beenie.

@:-) User is wearing a turban.

:-0 No Yelling!

:-: User is invisible.

.-) User only has one eye.

,-) Ditto...but he's winking.

X-( User just died.

8 :-) User is a wizard.

-=* :-) User is a TeX wizard

Advanced Smileys

% ^ > User is Picasso (thanks to Fred Wilf)

C= 2>;*{)) A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin.

}:^#}) Updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with a double-chin.

[=]- >< User is Abraham Lincoln

[=] : - > User is Uncle Sam


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